My decluttering story, or how I went to the edge and back.
Minimalism is a journey. Mine gave me hope.
Age 16: Got kicked out of house. Move into grandma’s. Lose all possessions that don’t fit into backpack.
Later that year: Get first job. Learn to appreciate things I buy myself. Remain very frugal. Start accumulating a few nice things.
Age 17: Grandma moves away. Move in with best friend to finish my senior year. We combine our things. I don’t buy much, because we don’t have much space. However, between the two of us, we do have a chunk of useless decorative crap. Live surrounded by too much stuff, further aggravating our tense friendship.
Age 18: Get married. Move into apartment. Receive MASSIVE amount of crap from well-wishers. Enough to more than fill tiny apartment. Live this way for a year. Not so great memories from this period.
Age 19: Husband joins Army. I decide to move to San Antonio to be with him. Toss/donate/ditch everything that doesn’t fit into two, large suitcases. Spend the next 9 months living in minimalist bliss. Decide I enjoy living with nothing.
Age 20: Husband discharged. Move back to OR. Find out I’m pregnant. Start accumulating crap all over again because people keep telling me I need things for the baby.
Later that year: Have baby. Realize most of the stuff I got for the baby is useless. Decide electric breast pump would have been a much better investment. Given one later by some miracle.
Age 21: Conquered lizard brain and get a divorce. Love my life. Get rid of anything we co-owned. Move down the street. Get rid of the most useless of the junk. Enjoy the freedom.
Later that year: Get together with best friend. Help him get rid of his useless crap (Papers from high school? Really?) Get evicted from apartment for reasons not my fault. Leave the stuff we don’t need behind. Move all stuff, baby, boyfriend, and self into 11×11 room. Ditch lots of crap out of desire for simplicity’s sake.
Age 22: Move into a room in boyfriend’s mom’s so she doesn’t lose her house, because she can’t pay her mortgage. Live in one 10×13 room with a divider in the middle. Start paring down further. Make the tiny place a haven. Realize not much more than this is all the space we truly need.
This summer was when the magic happened. After spending a term in an upper level course on environmental economics, my concentration for college, I realized I hated it, because the very principles of economic theory refuted something inside me I felt very strongly. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what or why I disliked about it exactly.
The summer progressed, and I had a couple of major things get thrown at me I wasn’t expecting or prepared for, including not being able to move from where I was living. The living situation has grown unbearable, and I’ll be honest, I did not handle these events well. In fact, I handled it so poorly, I had a total breakdown. I wish that were an exaggeration. We couldn’t move, because we were broke due to an unexpected event, so I picked up a job at Starbucks.
Maybe working there would be the answer. Hell, they even wanted to hire me on as a manager! But, would managing at Starbucks make me happiest over time? Could I go to school still? Well, maybe I should pick a solid, steady career to pursue, since I don’t know where environmental studies will land me. Being a lawyer! That’s a great idea. I’ll start as a paralegal, and then pay my way through law school! You know what else would be cool? Working for myself. I have so many goals and things I want to do. Ugh, I’m a failure. I can’t commit. I can’t do anything. Failure is going to get me. Settling now will alleviate more suffering later. Evie deserves better than this, I can’t handle the pressures of motherhood and a career. My boyfriend deserves better than me. How can I possibly keep him happy when I can’t keep myself happy? Why am I so lost? What is wrong with me?!
That was my summer. I plunged into depression at a breakneck speed. Sometimes, it would occur to me how easy it would be to walk in front of a speeding bus and just end this pain. This awful daily pain that I couldn’t cope with, because I didn’t know how.
I wanted to kill myself.
For any of you who haven’t experience what it is like to want to kill yourself, the tunnel vision that happens when you finally get to that point is utterly overwhelming, and I got as far as picking up the knife. Then, Evie started calling “Mama” from the other room. It was the only thing that stopped me.
That was when I got help. I went to a therapist for a few weeks, and she helped me realize what was going on. By confronting some deep seated issues I had for a long time, we discussed why they resurfaced in this way and how it caused me to ask in a way completely uncharacteristic for me. I had never believed in depression. Suicide was a sign of weakness. Going through this was a vital point for me learning how to understand myself and others, and I will never again deny the grief of another human being. It became a turning point for me, because nothing I experienced after that terrible feeling could be scarier or worse.
Therapists don’t give direct instructions or advice very often, but she told me I needed to move out of the place I was living as soon as I possibly could. She was right, and I knew it.
I did the unthinkable and moved back in with my mom for a couple of weeks, until I could save up money for my own apartment. I only packed what I absolutely wanted to take. Evie’s clothes and a few toys, my books, my clothes, and my file box came with me. There was no space at my mom’s incredibly cluttered house, so I couldn’t bring much. My partner moved the rest of our things into a 10×7 storage unit (for the free month), and we made it work. During this three week stay at my mom’s, living in the midst of clutter and the TV constantly blaring, working at Starbucks and realizing everyday I was handing a fake “answer” out the drive-thru window, going to therapy and finding out my values, it all finally clicked.
The 4-Hour-Work-Week + RowdyKittens + Far Beyond the Stars = Dusti finding her passion, her purpose, and her soul.
I went through my giant suitcase of clothes, and cut it down to 75 items. I filed all of my paperwork, making a promise to digitize it all as soon as I had the time and space. I made all of my belongings fit into my suitcase (except my bike and snowboard). All of the extra clothing went to my younger sister, who was thrilled. All of a sudden, I was living comfortably with my 100 items.
I started blogging. We got our apartment. The storage unit was quickly gone through, and I eliminated anything we didn’t use or need. If it didn’t belong, it didn’t come home. We still have a few boxes of stuff that have to go to Goodwill in the otherwise mostly empty front closet, but now we are each living with 100 items or less. Our family items include about 100 or so more things. It’s not perfect, but it is so nice.
My schedule has even changed to reflect my new mindset. I’ve never liked spending time at home until now. Now, I make being home a priority. I love the people I live with, and I want to make sure they know that.
Minimalism is a journey. Decluttering is a process. And everyone has a story.
Where will yours start?
Dusti,
You are very brave to share your story online. Thanks for being a source of inspiration to find happiness.
“Realize most of the stuff I got for the baby is useless. Decide electric breast pump would have been a much better investment.”
Would love a post on what items are worthless (or really useful) for babies. My sis-in-law is expecting and I’d like my gift to them to be something that’s actually useful.
I always find it fascinating how much crap other people think you need… and how terrible they feel for you when you don’t have a house full of crap! If only they knew
-k
Thank you, Kristin. Honestly, when I started writing, it wasn’t my intention to put all of this out here, but once I started going, everything came out. It seemed too relevant and such a real part of the story to put in.
I’ll write that down for one of the next post ideas! If I were to write a list off the top of my head, though, I would have to say….
Baby bouncer seat, infant and crawler stages – my daughter loved them. Car seat for when baby rides with relatives. Some sort of baby-carrying backpack. If you breast feed, then one of the front loading ones would be awesome. Books! Books are great. Mostly ones for baby, but starting a board book library is an awesome gift. Hmm… Honestly, until they start walking, they really don’t need much. Lots of clothes, because they grow out of them; diapers because they’ll get used; toys for the toddler stage. That’s about it.
Hey Dusti,
I also would love to see a post about the things that you do need for babies, and the things you don’t, because I would love to pass a post like that on to my friends.
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile, and love your blog, but especially loved this post!! It’s always so cool to hear someone’s story about how they got where they are today. I love hearing your passion for life while keeping your physical possessions to the minimum. I have 2 little girls and it’s not easy to pare down all the possessions, but I’m working on it! It helps that the 4 of us live in an 800 sqf house, that’s for sure.
I wish you all the best. Keep writing, because I’m reading every one!
shanna
Thank you for sharing your honest story. I find it really inspiring to hear how others got into minimalism, whether for better or for worse.
I actually spent most of this morning writing my story, which I’ll be posting on my blog in the next week or so. I was thinking about how I write a lot about finding simplicity, but I’ve never really laid out my story. It’s time.
Thank you. For being so honest. And I’ll be honest, I completely understand how our babies save us. Mine did too. Only she was in the womb, not crying yet. How does your boyfriend take to living in a minimalist home? Was he helpful when you were going through your guys’s storage unit? Does he like living in a small space? Would your ex have been okay with how you now live?
In case you can’t tell, one of my issues is the others in my home. It’s disheartening to me that everytime I get rid of stuff I no longer need that more of their stuff takes it’s place. Or that when I want to go through our combined things I get huge hoarder like blocking. Did you have to go through that at any point?
I know you probably don’t want to think about it but…how did lizard brain conquering result in the divorce? And I’ll be honest, no matter how much I read RK or Far Beyond the Stars I still am not totally sure what lizard brain is. Maybe because I haven’t read the book because it’s not in my library (isn’t it from Tribes by Seth Godin or something?)? ><
Sry for all the questions. I'm in a funky mood and it is related to a lot of the questions. So I figured I would ask.
Oh: @Kristen: My baby girl is a week away from 3 mo and only really needs clothes, dipes, a place to sleep, her potty (I EC her sometimes), and a few small toys. She loves stuffed animals and loved her swing. Now we are finding her Boppy very helpful as she is almost an unsupported sitter (so proud of my fast developer!) and she loves her walker even though she can't yet walk in it, lol. I would say ask her what she plans on doing for raising her kid (crib or co-sleeper, cloth or disposable, breast or bottle or pump, etc) or just go with 3-6 mo clothing. I say 3-6 mo because they grow like weeds, barely get use out of NB size (my baby was bigger than the NB size at birth!), and everyone tends to get new parents the 0-3 size.
Hi Shanna,
Thanks for entering the conversation! Glad to have you here. I will start that post right now!
Congrats on getting your story out there, Lisa! Looking forward to reading it.
Hi Dawn,
My boyfriend is fine with it. He had a lot of junk before, but I informed him I was going through it all out of my deep love for him. :p Going minimalism was pretty much my idea, but he deals with it pretty well. I only got rid of stuff he didn’t use/need, so for the most part, he didn’t notice, lol. However, that only worked because of the type of relationship I’m in. My partner and I understand each other’s needs in such a way that there weren’t going to be any hurt feelings over it. We are in a space a little too large for us right now, but he likes the way I make a room feel with the minimal decorating I do. I know what we both like as far as spaces go, and I can work with that accordingly. We have similar tastes which helps immensely. I couldn’t care less what my ex would think, but he had a way of going along with whatever I did so I imagine he would have been fine with it.
As for others in your home, there is nothing you can do but lead by example. Don’t pressure others, because it will only push them further from your new way of doing things. There are some great tips specifically for dealing with non-minimalist loved ones in Leo Babauta’s book, The Guide to a Simply Minimalist Life. What you can do is continue to hack away at your own stuff until it reaches the level you would like, and you can do the same for your daughter. Because you are in a shared space with roommates, they do need to respect your space, and if they aren’t you should stand up for yourself. As for your husband, it sounds like you guys have some issues you need to work through. Figure out why he has such a problem with you tossing things that aren’t being used. Try not to pin your own struggles with minimalism on anyone else, because while I understand it can be difficult living with others who don’t live the same lifestyle, there is always more you can do to simplify your own life.
To be honest, sometimes asking for forgiveness is the best policy.
The lizard brain is in Tribes by Seth Godin. The lizard brain is that little fearful voice in your head that tells you, “You aren’t good enough. You can’t do it.” etc. Conquering the lizard brain means you push back that voice into submission and make the hard decisions that have to happen for you to be happy.
My hubby dislikes tossing things because of the “just in case” mentality. Thanks for ALL of your help!
Shawna and Kristen, as a new mama of a 3 month old, the daughter of two pack rats, and the recipient of far too many baby gifts, I know exactly what you mean. I would definitely recommend getting her an electric breast pump (they aren’t cheap, but trust me, they are pretty important in establishing breastfeeding if mama ever wants to be away from baby), ‘The Nursing Mother’s Companion’ by Kathleen Huggins, and if she hasn’t given birth yet, any book by Ina May. Another great gift would be a gift certificate to see a lactation consultant, or a mama-baby yoga session.
As far as baby “essentials” go, I agree with Dusti all the way. A swing is a life saver, and a car seat is a must have for baby’s safety. Also, some sort of baby wearing device would be great. It is so comforting to be able to have your baby close to you, to comfort, feed, etc, while having your hands free to do other tasks. My personal favorite is the Baby K’Tan, which is easy, lightweight, and void of difficult tying or excess fabric. The Moby is another good wrap, and any sort of Mei Tai wrap is great. You can send her over to http://www.thebabywearer.com to look at the sorts of styles that fit her best.
We have been brainwashed by corporate America to believe that our babies will never be happy and nurtured without every “convenience” gadget on the market. But the truth is that babies need very little beyond loving parent(s), a nurturing environment, and lots of love, kisses, and comforting.
Congratulations on the upcoming little ones in your lives!
In Christ,
Anne Marie
Dusti,
As someone going through PPD, this post made me cry. You are such an inspiration, and someday, I too hope to look back on my experiences and say with conviction that I have made something better for myself and for my family.
Keep on writing, mama. You are making such a positive impact in the world!
In Christ,
Anne Marie
Thanks, Anne.
PPD is very real and hard thing to deal with, especially because of it coinciding with the birth of something we are made to love so dearly. It will only get better with time, support, and more love. Good luck with your journey.
Wow! what an amazing, inspiring story! You have renewed my conviction to do the same! I am so thankful that you found help when you needed it. It is scary how we perceive depression – how it affects so many. Thank you for raising that awareness as well.
Thanks for sharing your story. You are so young yet to realize so many important things in life. And the depression part made me tear up too, as someone who went through PPD myself.
Regarding the baby stuff: newborns only really need a few sleepers, lots of diapers, a place to sleep and a car seat if you have a car. That’s all!
Part of my decluttering right now is getting rid of old gear. Thankfully, we have found someone who is due soon, but only has a crib, and is quite grateful for our hand-me-downs. And some of this stuff we got from other families, so it is good to see this stuff continually being passed around to friends.
Anyways, thanks for your posts.
Thank you for sharing your story! It sounds like a tough road, but I’m glad things fell into place for you.
Sounds familiar in a lot of ways to my story. I’ve always felt like I was doing something wrong because having a bunch of stuff never made me happy. It was always quite the opposite.
After finding others who feel the same way I’ve begun to realize the “normal” way is just crazy. I am enjoying the conscious process these past few years.
Hi Dusty,
Yours is an amazing story and no less amazing is how you pulled yourself back up by your bootstraps. YOU are amazing.
Although i looked over the precipice once I stayed safely inland because of having a reason to keep going far into the future but this was the point at which I saw how someone could just walk off the edge
This happened when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at eighteen. In 1964 that was grounds for excommunication from the family home to where the neighbours would not see the evidence of my behaviour until things could return to so-called ‘normal’, the assumption being ‘You’ll have it adopted.’ Unbeknown to them I had decided early on to keep my child and, to save myself a whole lot of aggro, that I would keep quiet about my decision until after ‘it’ was born.
I have a grown-up daughter and a granddaughter now and have only just discovered blogging, the internet, social networks……………..the whole package. I am in awe of how you completely changed your life especially how you pared down your belongings to less than 100!
Good luck with it all, keep on rocking.
Maggie
PS Your name intrigues me…………..are you a fan of Knaan?
Amazing history and you’re a winner! And you finally woke from “the dream” . Now enjoy your minimalist journey, that for me is the true life.
I don’t know what Knaan is, actually. I’m not sure what my mother was thinking when she named me. It has made airport checks interesting, to say the least, lol.
K’Naan is a singer from Somalia who lives on Canada now. He calls himself The Dusty Foot Philosopher……made a cd by the same name couple of years ago.
I can only imagine the scene at airports! Maggie