Battles, fears, and profound hope.
My blue skies and sunshine
And, I have never been so terrified of anything in my life.
Part of it is my lizard brain, thinking I can’t do this without the lawyer I can’t afford. On the other hand, the lawyer I consulted told me I’d be fine, because I’m a rational, level-headed young woman.
…
At the time, I nodded in agreement and thanked him for the compliment, but right now, my brain is screaming at me, throwing tennis balls, while I curl up in the corner attempting to hide.
“You? RATIONAL?! WTF, dude? What are you THINKING?”
Being irrational, read: passionate and emotional, is part of my brand for a reason. It’s pretty goddamn authentic. Now, I have to set it aside in the name of playing by someone else’s rules, because this about so much more than getting what I want.
It’s about protecting my heart and soul, Evie.
This has been the subject that has consumed me for weeks now. Pondering the many steps I have to take from here, I can only prepare and hope for the best. I’ve let my mind wander over and over again, trying to find an easy answer to a question that isn’t easy, and will certainly never be simple.
Then, I start thinking about Evie. Everything we’ve gone through together. Everything we will do.
My dreams. Her future dreams. Then, I wonder…
How did I even get here?
———————
Laying on the hospital bed, gripping my mom’s hand, I pushed. Again and again, the doctor, who looked like a used car salesman in a lab coat, told me to push. I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down, so I had to assume I was doing it using the muscle memory of what it felt like pre-epidural. 12 hours with no pain killers, 22 hours on double the recommended amount of Pitocin because my contractions weren’t strong enough – even though they made me feel like I was DYING, 2 hours of pushing with the nurse, and then the doc came in. I was already completely exhausted.
It was over in 15 minutes, and my eyes were shut the whole time. The doctor said something I tried to tune out about cutting me so the baby could actually get out, since my hips aren’t exactly of the ideal childbearing variety. I was about as interested in seeing that as watching the placenta hit the bucket, so it seemed like a good idea to keep my eyes closed and not throw up all over the little bundle of joy.
They put Gwenyver in my arms a moment later. Furrowed brow, and bottom lip protruding, the look on her face said it all.
“Why am I here? And who the hell are you?”
Miracle of childbirth. Pft.
I was so tired I could hardly hold her. We looked at each other, and all I could think was how completely unprepared I was for this experience. It wasn’t that, “I love you so much even though I just met you” thing that happens in the movies.
Nuh uh. More like, “Well, you’re here! So what now?”
I had no idea how to be a good mother. Sure, you read the books, the forums, and you try to find all the answers, but deep down, you know it’s futile. No reading material will actually prepare you for this momentous occasion. I’d never even seen myself as a mother. What in the hell was I thinking?
Then, they wanted me to attach that little alien’s mouth to my boob?! Mind you, she was a very cute little alien who looked uncannily like my tiny clone, so together, we learned just how miserable breastfeeding is. Ever had a nurse up in your junk explaining how to milk yourself? Yeah.
It was snowing out. Piling up to a whopping 14 inches – a feat in a valley that hardly sees snow, my tiny family was stuck in the hospital for an extra night before someone could drive us home. As I attempted to get into the car, thoroughly off balance from the stunning amount of Vicodin I had been given, the vase of wilting flowers my aunt had given me slipped from the top of the car and smashed into the concrete, glass littering the road already marred with filthy snow.
Can you say foreshadowing?
———-
I divorced her deadbeat father four months after Gwenyver made her grand appearance. Her and I could go it alone. Except we couldn’t. Not yet. I had to quit the two jobs I was working while I was pregnant, because of the complications I was having, and I only had very part-time work as a promotional model.
Thankfully, when I found out I was pregnant, I got my ass in gear and started college. I was due during finals week. (Thank god babies are never on time.) It didn’t matter what my degree was in, just as long as I had it, so my daughter could get every possible advantage. That was the goal.
We had a plan, and we were going to blaze it.
Since her rather telling debut, Evie and I have been partners in crime. We’ve come a long way together, baby! She has learned to walk, talk, and is so close to being out of diapers I may cry tears of joy. I’m almost a college graduate, have started an online business, and have my priorities in order for the first time in my life.
Amazing what happens when you life revolves around something bigger than you. Or smaller, I suppose, in this case.
It astounds me how much I learn from her daily. Sure, I’ve looked up her milestones and how to help her reach her potential, but I dream of the day I’ll have the opportunity to teach her lessons like she has taught me.
She has taught me how to look at someone without judging. When she sees someone, she has this openness about her that is unreal. So much trust. How can I ever hope to look at someone and be so genuine as to let them see all of me in that one glimpse?
She reminds me to forgive easily and without question. Instead of brooding over being told no, she is simply on to the next thing. A mere distraction away from total forgiveness and bliss.
She has shown me how to truly appreciate doing something simply because it is fulfilling. Watching her become so absorbed in a task, like sorting crayons or stacking blocks, and to see the focus and real learning taking place is miraculous.
To think this is where it all begins makes me swell up with love for my tiny stranger. This is only the beginning for her. Her play now lays the foundation for the amazing, brilliant person she will one day become.
There is nothing more thrilling than that.
——————
This is the real miracle of childbirth. It has nothing to do with the birth itself. The rebirth that happens to a woman when she becomes a mother is a transformative process that cannot be defined in that moment in a hospital.
That unmistakable love is not born into an environment of fear and uncertainty. But, it can be born out of the ashes of the former self. The person who didn’t know what nurturing or self-sacrifice was can rise up and be strong. Shards of an old life can be used as a shining opportunity to create the mosaic of the new.
As for that new, tiny, perfect little person, what is there to say? They are so untarnished and full of wonder and hope, you can’t help but want to be better for their sake. You have to be better. Not than anyone else in a comparing manner. Simply better for the sake of being better, more fulfilled, because that is the right thing to do.
It’s what they deserve. It’s what you deserve.
——————
I think I’ve finally learned the lesson I needed to all of this time. The reason why I started the blog. The reason why I felt so drawn to this digital world so I could make shit happen that I could never have dreamed of before.
I have to be better. For Evie. For me.
It seems so simple, but I wish you could see what a profound realization this is for me.
I never came here knowing what I was doing. No fucking clue what lifestyle design or self-help or any of that shit was.
But, I finally know why I’m here. And that brings me more peace and more hope than I’ve felt in a long time. That makes me fear Monday less. Evie is my strength, and for her, I will be better and stronger because I have to.
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This post was hard to write. This has been an intense personal battle, and I hope by sharing it with you all, you find hope. Your battles matter, and fighting for what you believe in matters.
Good luck in all of your battles.
